I like the background of this photo, the sun shining on the water and the little round house towards the left. Photo courtesy of the growthlist.com
To assess my situation with regards to friendships and the matters of the heart:
It’s very pathetic, arguably the worst of all time.
I’m fifty-one years old, and for various reasons, stemming from being on the autism spectrum and being mainstreamed into the neurotypical community since age six due to my being high functioning,
I have never really been in a relationship.
I was seen by too many folks as being too much of a so-called “geek” or “nerd” to have any girl be really attracted to me in that way during my school days.
And being, according to an acquaintance I had in college, sometimes very rude, and not even knowing it, doomed me to essentially spending my social life alone with a pronounced lack of interested female suitors.
Now don’t get me wrong, I had a few friends in those formative years, some of which I’m still friends with today; it’s not like I was or am completely all by my lonesome.
But as far as romance and finding and having a life partner, though I’m fully aware that I’m not alone in being without a significant other,
The writing is apparently on the wall.
The way that my brain is wired, socially and otherwise, combined with my having been in the neurotypical world for over four decades,
In my opinion renders it more or less futile for me to have any female of substance be interested in me to the point of wanting to spend a lifetime together.
For those who think I’m just playing the victim in a proverbial, “Woe Is Me” way (and I know you’re out there)…
I have to disagree with that, as that is definitely not my intent.
I also know what at least some people who might be reading this are saying:
“You need to get out there and take some risks! A significant other is not just gonna fall into your lap!”
“Why don’t you join some meet-ups or support groups of fellow aspies?”
“You need to make yourself more attractive to women!”
“Why don’t you find a girlfriend who is likewise on the spectrum?”
Those are all legitimate suggestions, but in the twenty some-odd years since I discovered that I had Asperger’s, I realized one particular thing that pretty much took me every one of those twenty some-odd years to realize and accept…
I am not really a people person.
I pretend to be, and have tried to be for the bulk of my life.
But I have miserably failed much too often for those efforts to be effective, as the lack of a someone who cares about me romantically and the fact that I have either been fired or forced to resign from nearly every job I have ever had, never lasting more than three years in any place of employment,
Illustrates the realization that I’m not really a people person, never was, and likely never will be.
In a way, as far as having someone in my life, it’s a “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation.
On one hand, like anyone else with a heart, a brain, and flesh, pangs for female companionship bubble up within me periodically.
But I know that if I did happen to get involved with someone, even someone whom I was attracted to, the way that my natural personality is I’m convinced that it won’t last long.
In other words, a significant reason I have no one is by my own choosing; I don’t want to hurt anyone or have anyone end up disliking me.
And unlike most neurotypicals, I truly feel that I wouldn’t be able to emotionally handle someone I was romantically fond of – if not in love with – break up with me and say “I still want to be friends”, which to me is perhaps the biggest lie in existence.
In short, I’ve found myself choosing to be alone because I don’t want to hurt anyone.
It makes for a lonely life, which being a human being has not and is not pleasant.
But considering the kind of person that I am, I think that it’s also inevitable.
It would have been nice if my brain was better wired to be able to be in a relationship, but it’s not.
Which is why I predict that I’ll die alone.
Am I happy about it? Of course not!
But I would have also been unhappy if my life trying to have romantic relationships matched my life in the workforce, which ranged from needing to improve to flat-out terrible.
I suppose that’s the way it is.
Being alone is something which I’m forced to accept.
I only hope and pray that God gives me the strength to do so.
OH, BY THE WAY: About finding a female who’s likewise on the high-functioning autism spectrum…
That’s a good idea in theory, except for the fact that males outnumber females on the spectrum by an average of five to one.
Which makes finding a girlfriend in that community akin to finding a needle in three haystacks.
OH, BY THE WAY, PART TWO: I know that many aspies and folks on the spectrum are married and have relationships, and I am happy that they are able to be successful in that.
I want to make crystal clear that in this context, I am not speaking for anyone on the autism spectrum except for one person:
I really like the background of this photo, too, the clouds and the lake and the wide open spaces. Photo courtesy of hevria.com