More Realizations Regarding My Being On The Autism Spectrum

Unfortunately, it’s a different ability that’s not understood nor accepted by too many neurotypicals…

It’s really a couple of things that I have recently realized about myself regarding not only issues stemming from my being on the autism spectrum – having Asperger’s to be precise (though there’s a de-emphasis on using that term/name due to Hans Asperger being a possible and alleged Nazi sympathizer, having hailed from Austria during the Nazi Occupation there in the 1940s)…

First,

I recently realized that being someone who was mainstreamed into the neurotypical world since first grade in 1973, I have been a square peg trying to fit into a round hole for the past fifty-one years,

Particularly with regards to socialization, as it took five decades to realize that no matter how hard I try or have tried,

I will never completely fit in with neurotypicals;

They will socially always have that something that I will never have.

And there will always be at least some neurotypicals who will never socially accept me because of my neurodiverse condition.

In other words, in some ways I’m on the “wrong planet”, which is an actual website.

Looking back on it all, forcing my square peg into the neurotypical round hole has largely resulted in social disaster, especially during my school days (high school in particular) and my time in the mainstream workforce as the way my brain was and is wired,

Combined with the lack of programs during my formative days in the 1970s, 80s, and 90s that would have helped me with my social skills which young people on the spectrum enjoy today,

Rendered my social and work life as being less than successful.

Second,

This weekend I realized that I have a real problem,

Which I believe stems from the chronic and clinical depression that I have suffered from since the days where I was bullied in the mid-70s…

Much of the time when someone talks to me in a manner that gives me the impression of them being condescending, “bossy”, them seeing me as an inferior, or just being mean,

That triggers thoughts of hurting myself if not outright suicide.

Which I’m fully aware is not good. At all.

And which I know it’s up to me – with God’s help – to remember that people are generally not out to get me.

Which I think this all comes from, having been bullied and not treated well by seemingly too many people over the years.

I know some folks may read this and have these words come to mind…

Forgive.

Get. Over. It.

Move. On.

While I have indeed forgiven all those who, in Biblical terms, “trespassed against me”, the proof being that if any of those people who I felt treated me badly came to me for help, I would help them,

It’s extremely difficult to completely forget those traumatic incidents, which I detailed in my book WALKING ON EGGSHELLS.

I believe it’s a case of post-traumatic stress disorder.

Which I know is my problem as I’m not blaming anyone for myself for these personal issues I have.

Meanwhile,

I also know that I’m very much blessed and grateful for…

• a roof over my head
• food to eat
• working electricity
• running water, including hot water
• living in a decent neighborhood
• being in generally decent health
• having the talents that I have

And the fact that I’m sitting here typing this indicates that I’m not at the point of actually attempting harm on myself,

Nor do I see myself as seriously considering such.

So don’t panic – as of this moment, I’m okay.

But I still have this problem that I need to deal with.

And with God’s assistance, I’m confident that it will be dealt with.

I know this, but over the course of my life being in the mainstream far to many people have let me know that it was NOT okay to be different…